In January of 2005 I was diagnosed as being HIV positive. It appears I have been HIV positive for a long time, though I carry a recent diagnosis, my doctors have estimated I have been positive for at least eight years prior to my diagnosis.

Though I was in a long term relationship, I continued my high risk behaviors. I would frequent sex clubs, bath houses, and random sexual encounters I found on the internet. I would engage in both safer sex and not - so - safe sex, meaning I was not always using a condom.

I was in such harsh denial, I convinced my self that I could not contract the virus. I foolishly thought that I was above getting it, which just goes to prove how stigma can influence behavior, it certainly influenced mine. I believe that if HIV/AIDS was not perceived as a dirty, tainted virus, I think I would have done things a lot differently. I would have been more honest with my ex, and more importantly I would have been more honest with myself. Because I was not honest with either one of us and I was not aware of my infection I unknowingly passed it on to him. The guilt I carry with me is a tremendous burden and I am not sure if I will ever get over it. The denial I harbored was so great, that I thought if I did not get tested, I did not have the virus. I just knew I could not have it, but I did.

I have found that with my diagnosis, I have been given a control of my life, that I do not think I had before. I have purpose and drive. HIV is not the death sentence it used to be, though it is a life sentence. I see my self as a landlord with a tenant from hell. This tenant may live in my body, but I still enforce the terms of the lease...for now!

I have recently met a wonderful man. He and I met on a website: AIDSmeds.com. He, like me is HIV positive and lucky for me we fell in love. He and I have great plans together, yet we are also grounded in the reality that HIV brings.

I am hoping that my story will inspire people to get tested, to get a real good look at themselves and most importantly to get living a life they have always wanted to live. Not to ignore the absolute fact that this virus cares nothing of who or what you are. This virus is indiscriminate in who it inhabits and who knows...it could be you in the doctor’s office, AIDS Service Organization (ASO), health department or wherever testing in your area is done, receiving the news you too are infected with HIV.

So, what now?

I am very healthy right now. I am on medication. My meds have increased my CD4 (T-Cell) count to normal levels and lowered the viral load to undetectable. Viral load is the amount of virus in your blood per cubic millimeter of blood. Undetectable means that there is <50 copies of the virus in each cubic millimeter of blood.

I am currently on ATRIPLA (efavirenz 600 mg + tenofovir disoproxil fumarate 300 mg + emtricitabine 200 mg), which is a medication that contains two different types of of anti-HIV drugs: one non-nucleoside reverse transcriptase inhibitor (NNRTI) and two nucleoside reverse transcriptase inhibitors (NRTIs). This is a brand new one-pill-a-day regimen, which allows me to have greater adherence to my dosing schedule.

“Be comfortable with who you are and say what you feel, because the people that mind don’t matter and the people that matter don’t mind.” Dr. Seuss, truer words were never spoken.